Thank you, Mahmut Bey! Excellent service from the night shift staff. I (embarrassingly) asked if he could wake me up at 06.45, as if it were the Grand Budapest Hotel haha. He was incredibly kind, and was super helpful. So, special thank you to him!
Besides that, the hotel does what it says on the tin. Bear in mind, this was literally the cheapest hotel in Istanbul (20 pounds or so I think). Cleaner than I expected. Location was great. Obviously, incredibly barebones. Istiklal Street was like 14-15 minute walk. Better location than I thought, though best to come with taxi at night, just in case. Overall, good market fit: Cheapest hotel in an expensive city, cleaner than I thought it would be. Good to come on a budget.